A few days or weeks or months or years ago, I shall not give an exact time-line for obvious reasons, a crush I had hurt my feelings in a manner that at the time seemed unforgivable to me. I sat down and wondered why in the world does this person have the power to hurt me so much? Really, a crush?
Let us start by defining a crush, I consulted Google and here is what came up…
a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.
Note the emphasis on the words brief and intense. They are the basis of this piece.
I have crushes, more often than I care to admit really. Most often they are just that, a crush. They creep up on me, they mess with my head, hormones and emotions and when my head finally catches on, they come to their natural end. I reason myself back to sanity and over the crush.
With the wisdom and advantage of hindsight I can always see where a crush began but while living through it, I am almost always sure if I were to have a crush, it would not be on the person in question. They often begin in one of two ways…
The first is obvious, attraction, physical attraction. I have however found that this is the most transient when it comes to me. (Any sapiosexuals in the house? Whoop, whoop!!) I will dote upon the person in question(PIQ), normally in their absence, to my girlfriends. If I come to discover that there is nothing more to them in an intellectual and spiritual perspective, that ship silently sails away. Yeah, you’re good-looking, I like to look at you, have a nice life now! If they do have more to them than a face and/or body, then the crush can proceed from a mere passing fancy on to the ‘intense’ part, my psyche does not do in-betweens!
The second instance is the one that normally creeps up on me. No physical attraction normally means no instant indication that I could like the PIQ. A little getting to know each other, if it reveals depth in an intellectual and spiritual perspective, then piques me interest in the PIQ.(See what I did there? Yes, I started the PIQ reference just for that!)
Although even this does not necessarily tip me off. I genuinely enjoy people’s company, especially if I find them interesting, if we have some things in common that we can just comfortably talk about, I go out of my way to get to know these people. A lot of knowledge can be gleaned from just talking to people, did you know? Ask around, in the right frame of mind I have been known to ask a barrage of questions per minute!
Whatever the origins of the crush, by this point I am still just enjoying PIQ’s company, spending time with him occasionally and he, PIQ, tends to come up often in conversation with my friends. We will be talking about a myriad of topics and I will find a way to relate one of them (all of them really) back to PIQ.
“Oh, you coloured your hair? PIQ doesn’t believe in favourite colours! Can you believe that?”
“Oh, your house has a cockroach infestation? PIQ just moved in to a new house, did I tell you?”
Sometimes, even making a connection between the topic under discussion and something to do with PIQ becomes inconsequential.
“Oh, you started a new workout regime? PIQ loves to read books! I don’t meet many guys who do! He is so interesting.”
My subconscious is brilliantly sneaky I tell you, I often do not even realise this is what I am doing until it is pointed out to me by my friends, at which point I will casually yet vehemently deny, deny, D-E-N-Y! Once the thought is planted in my head though, there is no turning back. Once I begin to wonder whether or not I like PIQ, a domino effect begins that leads me to a place where I believe I do.
This sets off a war in my head. Cool, unassuming, collected and un-phased on the outside but in my head, a war rages on. Some battles I win, others I lose. All of them fully involving my over-active imagination. I have often wondered if other people do this, where by other people I mean girls and women because I’m pretty sure men don’t, imagine a whole lifetime, a whole livelihood with PIQ in their head, while in reality they may not yet even outwardly acknowledge liking PIQ.
I imagine a fully fledged relationship in my head.
I have a habit of drawing up a pros and cons list. I very earnestly explore all the reasons why this fully fledged fictional relationship would or would not work.
Ever see me staring listlessly into the horizon, looking extremely contemplative, as though I am just about to discover the true meaning of life?
Ever see me in class, intensely looking towards the lecturer, the board, seemingly absorbing all the Greek that is the Mathematics the lecturer is trying to teach?
Yes? Chances are, I’m drawing up a pros and cons list of my imaginary relationship with PIQ.
He likes to read, we can have a massive physical library in our future home, something I’m sure will be somewhat of an oddity given where the world is headed.
He isn’t big on travel, not ideal, what about my French summer home?
He wants to have many kids, excellent, now I just need to convince him many equals 7, because this is my ideal number of kids, and he is heaven sent!
He isn’t Catholic, bleugh, I bet we will fight about religion, be unhappy often and have it all end in divorce.
Each reason I come up with represents a battle. A battle I often fight repeatedly. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, depending on my state of mind at the moment, how receptive I currently am to the crush and how much I imagine I am willing to compromise. Such a massive emotional investment into something fictional, right?!
On to the brevity of the crush…for a number of reasons, ranging from the overall ‘pro and cons’ war being lost, to disinterest on the part of PIQ, to a new PIQ being introduced into the story that is my life, to PIQ possibly saying or doing something which I deem unforgivable, one way or another I find myself concluding that there’s no way PIQ and I are compatible.
Naturally, as I close this chapter of the life I had(in my head), could have had, would have had, I mourn. Yes, I mourn my crushes! Mourn sounds like a bit much, does it not? However, do you see how much time, effort, thinking capacity and decision making ability I have employed here? As brief as the duration of the crush may be, to my mind, I have imagined and lived an eternity! Mourning is absolutely rational and appropriate.
Mourn…I like to think of myself as a phoenix of sorts. Except, I do not burst into flame at the end of my life cycle…yes, life cycle, I have an emotional life cycle, I am an emotional being. When I am at an emotional low, at the lowest of lows, I cry myself through it, then sleep it off and wake up on an ultimate high! So, back to the PIQ that hurt my feelings immensely and made me cry and got me wondering why I was so hurt when really I should not have been and led to my writing this piece, (…breathe Kathleen, remember to breathe…) I reckon I was just at the end of my emotional life cycle at the time. I was emotionally tired, beat down, finished and the effect of PIQ’s words was simply the tipping point I needed to begin the process of my rejuvenation.
I find crying myself to sleep very therapeutic really, it is normally the best sleep ever, the only downside is the fact that I wake up with puffy, red eyes. Puffy, red eyes that I bravely and unashamedly wear as a badge of honour, for I have shed a layer and started anew!