Do you ever feel like you are simply in existence. You just happen to exist, to be, as a mere formality. Your heart is still beating so yeah, you’re still here! I have lived largely in existence for the past month or two. Or shall I say existed largely in existence…this is getting confusing, lol!
I have had several existential crises over the past couple of months. As an avid and dedicated pre-planner, things have just not been going according to plan. Big surprise, apparently this is kinda what life is like. I was supposed to leave for Mexico 2 months ago but, visa troubles. 2 months later, still no visa. This moving target situation has really played with my emotions man!
My first anticipated date of departure came and went and my life felt like it started moving in slow motion. A sluggish pace. See, I had planned to have all my…everything sorted out and in order by the time I would have been leaving, which I did. But then I did not leave so July 15th came round and I really had nothing going for me.
They say everything happens for a reason and for a while I held on to this conviction. In the following weeks, I got to go visit my grandmothers, something which I had on my pre-departure to-do list but had not managed to get round to doing. Then after coming back from shagz I had minor surgery and recovering from that was a bit of an uphill task. At this point things still made sense to me. My visa had not come through on time so that I could get a chance to go visit my grandmothers. My visa did not come through on time so that I could have my medical issues sorted out, who wants to be unwell and in pain far away from home.
I got better and a month went by and still, no visa. I ran out of reasons to explain away these happenings, that everything happens for a reason, started to ring hollow. Then I was merely in existence. Without view of a reason I simply was.
I hated it every time someone brought up the topic of how things were going with my visa or asked if I had an expected date of travel yet. I hated it when they suggested that perhaps I should start looking for opportunities here, asking how long exactly I would put my life on hold for an opportunity that might just never come through.
What I hated most was the fact that I had already beat them to all these thoughts but I was not willing to create room in my mind for an alternate order of events because I felt like I had given up so much for this opportunity, too much for it to possibly not come to be. For real! It took me a while to process a reality where all my careful planning and applications and saving and learning for a year plus would not add up to…anything. Or just what it should have added up to.
Like I said, turns out such is life. This is life.
During this period, I confided in my aunt M., telling her how tired I was of waiting and she said(wrote, via social media) something very powerful. A writer in her own right, this was her status update that day…
‘I am tired of waiting’, she said… and that got me thinking,
of what the word of God says about waiting,
of how long my parents waited for a son…
of those who wait for the next phase in life, and the next one, and the one after,
that wait after exams,
and that wait that signifies a working monthly cycle,
I look back and realise I have stood and continue to stand on the shoulders of those who have perfected the art of waiting.
I also feel a deep stirring to share some tricks around waiting.
Last week marked 5 years since the DVLA said I could drive solo!
The wait for that June day was wrought with all manner of trials and ‘tribulations’, tears, moments of utter despair…. and then realisation!
My ‘aha’ moment dawned upon me after the 4th failed test. I quickly realised I was being taught a greater lesson than the one for which I was paying the driving instructor.
Taking a deep breath I stilled myself knowing very well that when the moment was right the waiting would be over…
May you too learn the lessons He has for you in your time of waiting.
In all honesty, a month or two is nothing. My grandmother, who gave birth to 10 children, all girls, in a society that puts the boy child on a pedestal by virtue of the mere fact that they are male, can you imagine how long she/her relatives waited for one of those children to be a boy? With each pregnancy came new hope and with each birth another girl. (I am wayyyy thankful for the matrilineal dominance in my family though. As is my grandmother I am sure.)
Case in point, she had waited years and years and inasmuch as a boy never came, I daresay the girls, now women, mothers, leaders, grandmothers…have fostered a familial bond so close knit most people cannot believe just how close we are. From going caroling one Christmas to making Secret Santa an annual affair to going on camping trips together to taking salsa classes as a family to celebrating everyone’s birthdays every quarter. Picture 9 young men coming together to create such engaging activities that would bring their families closer. Personally I cannot quite bring myself to.
This post seems to have become about the great admiration I have for the women in my family. Back to topic though, everything happens for a reason. This once again rings true. Ever since I accepted the reality that my visa and future plans are taking a while and started actively engaging in my current environment, numerous opportunities for growth and learning have availed themselves to me. I have bumped into some of the most unlikely characters from my past and made many new connections that I know I shall take forth far into the future.
Another thing my aunt M said to me was, to make sure I learn whatever lessons I am meant to learn during this time and to learn them well. If all else had to be delayed for me to learn, they must be lessons that I will need moving forward.
Lesson #1, patience.
The wait continues.