Team 1k words a day…I have skipped out on a few days but hopefully I am back.
Let me here speak to my heart. Have a one-on-one.
I have been very generally fatigued lately. Sure, I can attribute this to a slightly busy week, I have been up and down more than I typically would, moving money around and trying to put it in various investment options, adulting.
I am also working a 9 to 5, more adulting. For one reason or another, this week that 5 has not really been happening. I have been getting home between 7 and 9pm, sometimes even later, sigh. Adulting.
Given that I have been leaving the house early and coming home late, I really just have not been spending time with myself, on myself. Not to mention the pressure at work that has me coming home, putting on my machine and occasionally picking up right where I left off. Adulting I tell you.
I hope this is not what the rest of my adult years look like. I have absolutely been neglecting myself. With all this time spent up and about and doing one thing or another, I have not had time to spend with myself, and this is something very important for me. Spending time with myself. To sit on the balcony and watch the moon, come home and lie on my bed reading a book, drink a cup of green tea or two, workout, write…sigh. It seems like my every waking moment has been consumed by one thing or another, various to-do list items hastily crammed into my waking hours and then my sleeping hours have steadily crept into my wakeful hours because I keep telling myself, given all that I am doing, surely I deserve a sleep in. This cycle, my psyche cannot handle it.
I need to settle into a comfortable adulting routine. I need boundaries in my life. I need sanity. I need to let myself know that I do not have to split myself open and run myself to the ground to make it, that I can leave the office and leave work and go back to it next morning and still be moving at an acceptable pace. I need to stop, take a deep breathe, come up with some concrete goals and time-lines and then use that as a road-map rather than a law for which I condemn myself for breaking.
I need to allow myself to be outside of the workplace. To find time to pursue other things that excite me. My job does excite me, but as we have just established, I cannot work 24/7. I am no robot. I need to make time to write, to sweat, to read, to explore, to eat, to take myself out, to lie down and let my thoughts cascade over each other as my mind talks to my heart and my body and makes sure that I am. That I am…happy, at peace, growing, healthy, content, living.
I need to learn to say no, especially to myself! I realise that I am the root of all my troubles really. I may be the one here complaining about not being well-rested and the numerous pressures I feel I am having to bear, but it is all as a result of me.
I spend my time much too frivolously and I allow others to do the same and then what is left I take for myself to try and play catch up. Effectively, I am running myself to the ground. My own greatest enemy.
This thing of learning to say “no”, I need to take it to heart especially with myself. No to the extra hour of sleep especially when it is unwarranted. No to the one more episode when I should be moving on to my next task. No to the, I shall instead workout twice tomorrow and then also work out on my rest day to make up for this day that I am missing out on. No to, all the flimsy excuses I keep accepting from myself.
Has anyone ever noted how it is so easy for you to lie to yourself?
This is especially true for me when it comes to waking up. I am an early riser, 4 am is my wake-up time. On good days, I put off my alarm and get to whatever it is I have jotted down for that morning. On other days, I decide to reward myself with, perhaps, an extra half hour of sleep. I convince myself I deserve it. This always, always, did I mention ALWAYS, turns into me waking up at the last moment I possibly can without being late for work and thus I forgo all my morning ‘me’ time. At that point when I am snoozing my alarm though, I have myself convinced that after 10, 20, 30 minutes, I will be good to go. Jump out of bed with extra energy courtesy of the extra sleep and make up for the few minutes of lost time.
Never happens. After each round of the alarm, it becomes easier and easier for me to just throw in the towel and count the morning a loss.
I am trying though.
I am learning that I might possibly be tired because I have been sleeping too much and not working out. Or have not been drinking enough water. My psyche may be off because I am not writing everyday. I am not eating as much fruit as I should. I am not drinking my green tea and getting my chakras aligned or whatever good vibes green tea is supposed to come with. Lol!
And finally, I cannot believe it has taken until this point to think of this but, I am not praying. Like, at all! I make half-hearted attempts at the ‘Hail Mary’s’ before bed but really, I have been letting my connection with God die a little more with each passing day. This is likely the root of it all.
This, for me, is possibly more of a quagmire than university life.
Still in the 20s though, apparently, none of us is supposed to know what we are about at this point. Well, keep trying we shall. Also, time to start mending these broken ties with God.