Have you ever lain a dream to rest. It feels like a funeral.
(I am wondering whether I have used the word lain correctly.)
Well, I put my Mexico dreams to rest, at last. I did this several weeks back, I have just not gotten round to writing about it. People keep asking me how Mexico is coming along, so if only to stop those inquiries, Mexico is no longer coming, it is gone…
While figuring out how to go about this post, because the preparation for Mexico had been the source of so many highs and lows for me, I decided to go back to snippets of journal entries that I had written with regards to the process.
20th June 2016
I am in such a feel good mood today.
I feel like I understand the meaning of life.
Like I know what it means to be happy.
That if I am conscious of the fact that life is a whole rather than a single incident, if I could keep my head and mind focused on the bigger picture rather than the little occasional incidents that sometimes throw me off my game, I feel like I will be just fine.
I love to write and I am actively writing and I do not intend to stop any time soon.
I am getting one of my wildest dreams come to fruition in a few weeks when I move to live and work in Mexico.
I hope I love my job, like really love it. Or at least that it excites me and keeps me on my toes, learning and yearning to be better and building an exemplary work ethic. I am doing this for the experience, connections, exposure and work ethic. I have got to keep that in mind. My destination is much bigger than “CompanyX”. I’m not sure what yet, but in due time it shall all be revealed.
I am muy optimistic about life, can you tell?
(That comment about my destination being much bigger than CompanyX, let’s keep that in mind.)
29th June 2016
Despite my best efforts…I am hanging in the balance.
I have a plan, had a plan, but it’s not looking like it will come to be.
I have pleasantly surprised myself by remaining relatively sane through all this. I am worried, yes, I am. Don’t get me wrong. But…really, what else can I do?
Does how bad you want it ever really become a factor? In this unfair world where shit happens, sigh. I can’t seem to make myself happy.
What do I want?
I wanna go to Mexico. I want to do that GiP.
I love my parents for striving to make it happen.
I know it’s not my fault, it is not really anyone’s fault but, taking responsibility…I must.
Am I going to stop crying when things get hard? But if crying fixes me faster to get on with things, that’s what I should do. Right? Cause I haven’t cried and I haven’t done anything all day. Nothing!
Just stared listlessly into space wondering what will happen to me.
Is there something else out there for me? Is it better?
Maybe I should just get married, let my husband be the bread winner and start having my 7 children already.
Can’t seem to catch a break.
Or maybe I’m being ungrateful.
Maybe I have a disordered desire to be successful in the eyes of other people.
Maybe I should quit social media and live in a hole.
The two entries were just 9 days apart! Just! See what an emotional roller coaster I was on…
For a long time, while waiting for my permit troubles to be sorted out, I kept asking myself if there was a right time to stop, to give up. Winston Churchill’s words, ‘Never ever ever ever ever give up,’ kept ringing in my head. Was that too many ‘ever’s? That plus all the other little phrases we keep repeating to ourselves and each other, to spur us on to action and always action and never throwing in the towel.
‘You only lose when you stop trying.’
‘Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.’
Where’s the one that tells you that you have tried enough and perhaps it is time to stop? To just stop and start exploring other possibilities.
My Mexico story is a funny story. I choose to see it as a domino effect that led me to exactly where I am. Where I am supposed to be. The truth is, if Mexico had never been on the table, my life would be very different from what it is now. I would have taken the first job I was offered after finishing school, and it would have been a great job, but I know for a fact that I would not have been happy, mainly because the job description did not entail exactly what I wanted to pursue career wise.
I remember having conversations with my former classmates about what would happen after we were done with school. Those seemingly hopeless conversations, with the world looming, the imminent end of our easy, carefree days approaching, the beginning of…real life? None of us knew yet what we would do so we would console ourselves by telling each other that eventually we would all end up somewhere.
Eventually, I did end up somewhere. I have ended up somewhere. I work at the best place on earth! Exaggeration? Probably. But it’s the love. I work at one of the best places to work as a millennial in this country, for sure!
Let’s just start at foosball. We have a foosball table! I suck at the game, so it is not always a source of joy but…yeah. I promise to do a post on foosball. I have so many things to say about this foosball table from watching people play and seeing the (pivotal)role it plays in the office.
Then there is all the cake, and generally just food, but cake is my first and true love so…the cake! The office gets the best cakes for all sorts of random reasons! I suspect we just love cake. 🙂
Okay, the reasons are also not too random. Normally birthdays, one time a farewell for someone who was leaving, but in the 2 or so months I have been there, we have had cake 5 or 6 times.
The fact that I am enjoying my work plays a big role as well. I’m a Data Scientist! Mamma I made it! If you have known me in the past a little over a year, you must know that I have raved on and on about data. Ask Sarah or Ethel or Jeff or Njeri or Fred or Alex or Betty. These are the people I spent most of my 4th year with. Or Ian who raved on and on about data with me in 4th year while we still did not know exactly what we were even doing. Or that lady who I eagerly emailed asking to be my ‘Data-Sensei’ cause she runs a data firm but then she totally misunderstood my enthusiasm and called me rude, said she did not appreciate my tone(via email) and then never became my ‘Data-Sensei’. Or my old boss Raphael who could not understand how or why I would leave his company while I still had 2 more months of holiday(this was between 3rd and 4th year and he was paying me relatively well to develop software) to concentrate on the Data-related EdX courses I had been taking online. Ha ha! Still very much a Data Scientist in training but a Data Scientist nonetheless!
I feel so privileged to have AT, my current company, trust me with their Analytics Department, because right now I am the Analytics Department, literally. The Analytics Department is me. Every once in a while, in a meeting, my boss will talk about his vision for analytics, his very grand vision, and how soon he wants everything to be data driven, and his eyes will wander to me, because I am Analytics at AT and I will smile on the surface, deep down wondering if he knows how green I am.
“If you believe in yourself first, you’re unstoppable.” -Mendell Grinter
This is what I keep repeating to myself.
Then, finally, there’s the people. People are my favourite part of anything and everything! I happened to be telling someone earlier this week how I chose History in high school because the teacher was one of my favourites, EVER, and then the term after I had picked History she left the school. Clearly having people as the basis of choices is not a sound strategy…take note. But still the people of AT!
There’s Ian who, when I was faced with the decision to either join AT or another company where there is a more established Data Scientist that I would be working under, told me to maybe believe in myself and maybe take the more daunting option. I did. There’s Elizabeth, my lunch buddy, who came on board a week after me and so naturally we became fast friends. She was the first person I beat at foosball and she disapproves of my taste in music but friendship is about acceptance, no? There’s Edwin who on the Friday afternoon of my second week asked me why I wasn’t having lunch with everyone else, we have office lunch on Fridays, and I ventured to tell the truth which was the fact that I am wildly intimidated by large groups of people and his unexpected response was me too. There’s Zack who always has something sweet, literally. It is so funny to watch guys come from one far end of the office to look for him and then ask, ‘Do you have something sweet on you?’ There’s Wiza who became the god father of my blog! He probably reads all my posts within minutes of them going up and is always helping me make it better. There’s Diana who I can already tell will be my fellow feminist sister friend. Numerous Rosie the Riveter moments coming up there, because ‘We Can Do It’! Calvin, my ‘deskie’, who himself put it best when he described our ‘making conversation’ conversations that turn into actual conversations. Then finally, because this has to end somewhere, there’s my bosses, in the habit of asking me how I found AT while I was still fairly new, I once told them that I was having a bit of a hard time making friends so for one or two weeks after, once our analytics meetings were over, they would ask me if I had made any friends yet. Ha ha!
Having shredded the big dossier of documents from the Mexicans sent for visa purposes, deleted the folders with on boarding guides, immigration requirements et al, canceled my flight, I am finally putting those dreams to rest, putting down roots and reaching for new heights.
P.S. If you like words and are still wondering whether or not I used ‘lain’ correctly, feel free to read more about ‘laid’ and ‘lain’ on the Oxford Dictionaries blog…if you want.
I did, but I am still wondering.